The Change You Deserve
The muse of unintended consequences has a new victim: the House Republican Conference, which last week unveiled a new campaign slogan that’s – oops – also a trademarked motto for Effexor, an antidepressant.
T.S. Eliot described April as “the cruelest month,” but for congressional Republicans, that distinction surely goes to May, with November lurking as a likely contender. On May 3, Republicans lost a special election to fill a vacant congressional seat in Louisiana. On May 13, they lost another, this time in Mississippi. Both of these elections, as well as one that Republicans lost back in March in former Speaker Hastert’s home district in Illinois, were supposed to be “safe” for the GOP.
Now “wake-up call” has replaced “under the bus” as everyone’s favorite political lingo. Pundits talk in hushed tones about a reverse version of the “Republican Revolution” of 1994, with the Democrats winning a slew of new seats this fall. Recently, Newt Gingrich, emerging from the mists like Hamlet’s father, warned his party that it must “chart a bold course of real change” or “suffer decisive losses.”
Hence the new campaign slogan: “The Change You Deserve.” House Republicans printed this phrase on posters and all-cap, red lettered pamphlets that they distributed to reporters. They held a televised press conference.
Faster than you can say, “embarrassing screw-up,” reporters, bloggers and most of all gleeful House Democrats were cracking one-liners about Republican depression symptoms and even worse, comparisons between Republican policy results and Effexor side effects such as nausea, dizziness and impaired libido.
This incident demonstrates the inherent weirdness of campaign slogans, of marketing political policy as a consumer product. If House Republicans had to crib a corporate slogan, however, I guess they could have done worse. For example, they could have used one of the following:
Adlema Mineral Water: “Fresh Squeezed Glaciers.” Burger King: “Sometimes, You’ve Got to Break the Rules.” Club Med: “The Antidote For Civilization.” Capital One Bank: “What’s In Your Wallet?”
In contrast, an appealing slogan for the GOP might be Pontiac’s: “Fuel for the Soul.” This phrase expresses sensitivity to energy consumption concerns while also implying strong religious values. Another good option would be a slogan that suggests Republicans are better at handling national security matters. Lifestyle Brands Condoms: “Proven Protection That Feels Really Good.”
Humility will be an important message this election cycle; how about a slogan that acknowledges that Republicans are now the minority party, and demonstrates their attitude adjustment? Avis Rent-A-Car: “We’re Number Two. We Try Harder.”
As for Republican presidential nominee John McCain, he could use a slogan that reassures the party faithful that he can quickly lead them past their current troubles. Bounty Towels: “The Quicker Picker Upper!” Folgers Coffee: “The Best Part Of Waking Up.” I especially like this last one because it evokes the doom buzz phrase “wake-up call,” then draws a smiley face on top of it.
Alternatively, McCain could emphasize his extensive political experience. Lee Jeans: “Behind the Scenes Since 1889.” No, maybe not. If the candidate addresses the age factor at all, he should probably do so directly, with a slogan that demonstrates that his advanced years won’t slow him down. Geritol: “I Eat Right, Exercise, And Take Geritol.”
Then there’s McCain’s seeming compulsion to call everyone he meets “my friend.” Friendly’s Restaurant: “c’mon. get in. get friendly.” I like how the lower case letters of this slogan match the candidate’s whispery voice. I can imagine McCain saying these words as he herds voters into his “Straight Talk Express” bus.
My favorite slogan for McCain takes the factors of white-haired experience and friendliness and mixes them up in a way that’s a little bit quirky, suggesting the candidate’s maverick nature. A&W Rootbeer. “The Frosty Mug Sensation.”
As for Barack Obama, the de facto Democratic nominee (sorry, Hillary), perhaps his slogan should address recent worries that his advocacy of greater diplomacy is code for appeasement. Purex Toilet Paper: “Strong on Softness.” He needs to strengthen his Joe Sixpack credentials; what better way to achieve this than a beer company slogan? Budweiser: “Wassup?” Obama’s best strategy, however, is probably to go on the offensive. Tide Detergent: “Gets The Stains That Others Leave Behind.”
If candidates get corporate slogans, voters should get them, too. Here are some that I expect to tell myself between now and November 4. Morton Salt: “When It Rains, It Pours.” Maxwell House: “Tastes As Good As It Smells.” And, depending on how nasty the election cycle gets this time around, Taco Bell: “Make A Run For The Border.”