A Message From Howard Dean
From: Howard Dean, Chairman of the Democratic National Committee
To: Superdelegates and Other Muckety-Mucks
Our party’s nomination process began as an exciting competition between strong candidates. Now, it’s a road trip from hell. On a one lane highway with McCain’s eighteen wheeler looming in the rearview mirror. The radio’s stuck on a station playing back-to-back recordings of Reverend Wright’s sermons. Bill Clinton’s in the front passenger seat. He won’t stop talking. Behind him sits Nader, fussing with his seatbelt. We pass a sign that reads, “If You Were A Republican, You’d Be Home By Now.”
How far do I have to stretch this metaphor, people? Make up your #*@&* minds before I lose mine. Yeaaaaaaaw!
Sorry. I’m under a lot of stress. It’s not just the interminable Clinton-Obama contest that’s bugging me. Michigan and Florida keep complaining about how their delegates are “disenfranchised.” Hey, it’s not my fault they broke primary scheduling rules. Now they’re challenging their status at a special meeting of the DNC. What a bunch of whiners.
Some of you have tried to cheer me up, saying that math will save us. Any day now, Clinton will realize she has little chance of gaining enough pledged delegates and will give up on her candidacy. Right. Clinton giving up is about as likely as Dick Cheney modeling tutus for Castro.
Others tell me to wait for more polls. Sooner or later, the public will rally around one of the candidates and then the superdelegates’ choice will be clear. This is also wishful thinking. The polls are getting worse. By which I mean, closer. Clinton’s catching up.
The prolonged nomination fight is creating a classic “Joker v. Penguin effect.” Candidates never look attractive after so many months of campaigning. They’re exhausted and out of shape from too much diner food. Their hands are chapped from all that antiseptic cleaner. As a result, they make mistakes. They speak rudely about people’s religious faith. They hallucinate about dodging sniper fire.
That’s when the “Joker v. Penguin effect” takes hold. Voters, faced with a choice between two increasingly unappealing candidates, start feeling queasy. Confronting the immediate prospect of the Joker as the selected nominee, they start to see the Penguin as the better of two bad options. Then, as the Penguin begins to look like the winner, voters lean back the other way, towards the Joker. The result is a dead heat, with a small group of voters splitting off to support Gleek from the Wonder Twins.
You know our party’s in trouble when Karl Rove writes an open letter to Obama in Newsweek, offering free campaign advice. This needs to end. Now. I recommend that we ditch the rest of the primary season and adopt one of the following, simpler options for choosing the Democratic candidate.
1. Proxy-Gone-Wild Boxing Match. Jeremiah Wright and Bill Clinton face off in the ring. They go five rounds – two traditional boxing rounds (no ear biting) and three egomaniacal rants. For the rant rounds, the “winner” will be whoever is slightly less obnoxious. To make this determination, we’ll fill the stadium with easily offended swing voters and track how often they squirm in their seats. Tradition demands a bikini clad “round card model.” We’ll hire Al Gore.
2. Tongue Twister Contest. Pronunciation competence will be a priority for voters this November. After eight long years, the country is crying out for a president who won’t say “subliminable.” Make Obama and Clinton repeat the following sentence over and over again until one of them messes up. “Centcom sicced cynical securalists to seek ceasefire with sixty sexy Shiite Sadr City sectarians.”
3. Phone Treasure Hunt. It’s 3 a.m. and your children are safe and asleep. But there’s a phone in the White House and it’s ringing. Unfortunately, it’s a cordless and once again, that Secret Service guy didn’t put it back on its stand after he hung up with his mom. In this crisis simulation, the candidates compete to find the phone before Putin gets snitty (pssst…it’s crammed between the seat pillows of the Barcalounger.)
4. Bus Toss. Throwing people “under the bus” is a critical skill this election cycle. A bus (ethanol fueled) will move slowly forward as Obama and Clinton struggle to throw each other under it.
5. Real American Triathalon. This contest will start with a Crown Royal Whiskey shots drinking competition, move on to a bowling tournament and end with a patriotic game of pin-the-flag-lapel-on-the-donkey. The winner will then shoot the loser, using their grandpappy’s skunk gun.
Please let me know which one of these options appeals to you. Be warned: if you refuse to cooperate, I’ll go over your head. That’s right. I’ll ask President Bush to choose the Democratic candidate. He’s the decider.
Once he decides, I’ll pick the other one.