“Middle of Nowhere” Recommends the Flank of Madoff
I’ve just completed running a survey in which I asked people to respond to a recent dining column in The New York Times that reviewed north-central Vermont restaurants. The columnist, Mark Bittman, praised the restaurants. He expressed amazement with their use of local ingredients (apparently, this doesn’t happen so much in Manhattan). His description of north-central Vermont was less flattering:
“It’s one thing to find a group of restaurants that is not only acceptable but compelling … within 20 miles or so of one another in what amounts to the middle of nowhere. It’s another when that middle of nowhere is north-central Vermont, more or less defined by I-89 and the northern ski country.”
Horror Movies Inspired By Household Fauna
So here’s my concept for a movie: a horror film about a brilliant scientist who, experimenting one winter in his laboratory, accidentally exchanges genetic material with a fly. Over the next few weeks, he slowly transforms into a hybrid man-insect with spiky hair, bulging eyes and a repulsive, buzzy voice. What distinguishes my movie from previous versions of this classic horror tale? This time, the brilliant scientist switches genes with Pollenia rudis, the cluster fly. Instead of developing a voracious appetite, he spends most of his time clinging to the ceiling in a torpid state. Instead of developing super-fast reflexes, he becomes increasingly clumsy, bumping into walls and windows.
A Close Encounter With Bats at the Elizabeth Mine in Strafford
Imagine you’re a bat. A romantically inclined bat, who’s looking forward to a rendezvous with a special someone. As you fly out of your mine tunnel - looking every centimeter the winged mammalian hottie in your copper-dust bling - you’re momentarily distracted by a juicy mosquito hors d’oeuvre hovering nearby.
Hot Dog Contests and Gyms Don’t Mix
The Nathan’s Famous Hotdog Eating Contest took place on Coney Island this past weekend. Once again, hot dog eating legend Takeru Kobayashi, a one-hundred-and-twenty-eight pound Japanese man with multi-shaded orange hair that I suspect may be a side effect of prolonged hot dog juice poisoning, lost the contest to Joey Chestnut, the two-hundred-and-ten pound defending champion. The two men tied during the initial, ten minute contest, both ingesting fifty-nine hot dogs in the most disgusting manner imaginable. Chesnut triumphed in an overtime, beating Kobayashi by seven seconds in a “sudden death,” five hot dog speed-eat.
Serious Gardeners and Fashionable Chickens
The problem with serious gardeners is that, all too often, they assume unserious gardeners want their advice. Evidence to the contrary does not dissuade them. Serious gardeners simply refuse to accept that people sometimes grow plants for unserious reasons, and therefore aren’t fussed about mediocre outcomes.
The Change You Deserve
The muse of unintended consequences has a new victim: the House Republican Conference, which last week unveiled a new campaign slogan that’s – oops – also a trademarked motto for Effexor, an antidepressant.
A Message From Howard Dean
Our party’s nomination process began as an exciting competition between strong candidates. Now, it’s a road trip from hell.
Barred Owls In Love
I’m standing in the soupy slush pit formerly known as my lawn, peering up into a canopy of sugar maples. It’s evening, so I can’t see much. I know that owls are up there, though. From their calls, I know they’re barred owls. Barred owls with lust in their hearts. Barred owls keen to meet someone who shares their values, settle down and make little barred owls.
Scandals, Squirrel Pelts and Stimulus Rebates
Say what you like about Eliot Spitzer. At least he distracted us from the economy. For a few merciful days, we took a vacation from news about the fallout from “market overexuberance” and considered overexuberance of the gubernatorial kind.
TV Writers: Velociraptors of the Literary World
Two weeks have passed since the Writer’s Guild of America (WGA) and the Troika of Movie and Television Overlords (TOMATO) resolved their differences and returned to their important work of enriching Western culture. I know I speak for all of us when I express relief that “Hannah Montana” will go on.